The House

It’s Kill or be Killed

Isn’t it true, though, that no matter how hard to try there’s always someone there to bring your efforts to the floor? There are the people in this world who will build you up, and those who would just as soon shoot you. “Life sucks”; it’s a general rule that most people are going to have to get slammed in their face. “You can’t always get what you want.” Another legitimacy; but what do these things have to do with blogging? Everything – to write about an emotion is hard, for me, when I go to a great extent not to express any form of emotion. When you’re fifteen years old, that’s an extremity, and even for an adult it seems to be far beyond the mind’s measure. What causes a child to hide their feelings from the world? Some would say experience, but why give it a good name? It’s the fact that some of us have had the fucked-up world tossed in our faces at an earlier age. Yeah? You think we deserve pity and special treatment, then. Wrong; don’t cushion our fall because we’re going to go fucking up our lives on purpose.

Let’s start with my brother; a very smart and talented little kid, who has the world ahead of him and I don’t think he’s read a whole book. Ten years old and he’s not really read a full book. If he has, it was a children’s book; something you buy for three year olds. It’s a pity to see such a mind go to waste (video games, TV, sleeping in until one). You might ask why he’s like this, and why his teachers haven’t pushed him further; to the greatest extents of his mind. Because the poor boy lost his mom, and he’s got to have special treatment because he’s lost someone close to him. Tough; I lost her too and I never got that load of shit.

If you really think about it; he hardly knew her when she died while I spent a great majority of my life with the woman. When she became very sick and stayed in bed all day, I took care of her, the house, and my brother while my dad was at work. Yeah, that was real cushy and all; I had it really easy. It took about two, maybe three years for her to finally pass away and it was the worst day of my life. Would you like to know what my brother was doing whilst I was calling 911 and attempting CPR on my own mother? He was off in another bedroom playing with his toys. Yes, he was young, but not too young to not understand what was going on; it was terrible. The weeks after that were school and the funeral. That harsh reality was tossed in my face at a very early age, and it made me mean and sarcastic and very cold-hearted.

I guess the point of this is that there are people who need to be pushed, and there are people who need to be cushioned, but there should never be too much of a single thing. It turns people against each other; my brother (a smart child, loving and kind, getting life way easier than he should) and me (someone who has turned their back on mankind and all hopes for trusting one another – a cold-hearted, sarcastic, jerk).

What brought this sudden blog of anger on; the fact that everyone has the balls and the brain to go to Harvard, but would rather get things the easy way.

Risk Project

In Advanced Drama, the class is required to come up with a risk. The idea of the project is to do this risk in the five weeks we have left in school. I missed the day that we all picked ours, so I had a while longer to think about it - but what I came up with was way exciting. Normally I’m an extremist, and love to out-go everyone else in things like that. This was something that I really want to take seriously and so I have. Over the past few days, I’ve been thinking about that big risk that I would like to take, and how I could take the steps to accomplish taking that risk. My conclusion surprised most of the people around me, but I was happy to see that it really was something that was risky.

During dinner, my dad asked me what I had been thinking about all night and I proposed the idea to him. So, he agreed. The risk will be; I will get a single backpack and fill it with food, water, insulin, a sleeping-bag, and anything else that I feel I should need to survive; my dad will drive me out to the West Desert and drop me off out there so that I have to live out there from Friday evening to Sunday evening. I’ll have a knife and a gun for safety measure and my dad will be a mile or so off to make sure I don’t go and die - but for the most part, I should be completely alone for a total of two days and nights. The idea just excites me and terrifies me at the same time.

I only imagine what my drama teacher is going to say when I tell her what I’ve decided to do.  Everyone else is going to “ask their crush out,” or “help at an old-folks home,” or even “go to the Wicked roller coaster at Lagoon.” I think mine will really be a risk to see if I can handle myself or if I’ll be able to not die…. but it’s so cool that I could actually talk my dad into letting me do something like this. I only hope my leg won’t be too screwy while I’m out there, so I’m pretty much immobile. 

Miserable at Best

I’m starting to feel like some sort of emo kid. I’m not, though! I’ve not once cut myself, or wanted to kill myself, but… it’s hard. I’ve been told countless times that life’s going to be hard, and I have to suck it up and deal with it on my own or don’t deal with it and let me rip me up. So far, I think I’ve gone with the second option - why? because I’m different. Not just a normal different, but a big different; one that knocks me so far from normal that I can hardly stand myself. I don’t even know if that’s normal, and I’m not going to ask because even the subject annoys me. Maybe I’m just intollerable; maybe not. The reason I haven’t posted in a while, would be the simple fact that I don’t have the patience to talk about me.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been having to write an autobiography for my English class, and it’s taken all the conceited ideas out of me. Why would I be wanting to write about all my monthly happenings? I didn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t have, but am doing so now. Only because I need something to vent through and writing has a way of summing that up for me.
So, school has been different - I was sexually harassed by a teacher, and we went through a huge ordeal in which he was spreading rumors about me and ruining my credibility. It stung deep, so I reported him again and he’s now being fired. He gets to end out the school year, but isn’t allowed back next year. That was something of a horrible experience in life, but it all comes with the good, bad, and the ugly. Really, my friend forced me to talk to him because she was there too - I wasn’t guilty at all with what I’d done to him. He deserved everything that was happening to him and much more. However cruel that may seem, I don’t care one way or the other - students are angry at me for getting rid of one of their favorite teachers, fellow teachers are angry, and he’s angry; really, I’ve got a lot of angry people on my back. It’s difficult to deal with.
On top of all that, my uncle Rob is visiting for my grandma. If anyone reads this, they have no idea what he’s meant to me in the whole two days we got to spend with each other. Then he left, back to Colorado, and I haven’t seen him for a year - now suddenly, he’s coming back for a visit. It’s driving me absolutely nuts. My blood family has never been as cool as the people from my step-mom’s side. So, when I meet someone that I can really trust and they leave two days later, it screws me up. I don’t know what to do and I feel like everything is going downhill. Maybe it’s just an over reaction.
But, I feel depressed, angry, and overall miserable. The need to write it all down has died, so I think I’ll stop because it’s only giving me a headache. 

High They Stand and Down They Fall

Well the musical auditions were extremely rigged in the sense that all of the kids from Advanced Drama were placed as leads. I know that they only had the auditions for the sake of getting a chorus in there. Right now, that’s not what is really bothering me. Every day I seem to get more and more hostile to those who I love, and they are not going to tolerate it very much longer. I know what I’m doing too which is the thing that’s really pissing me off. I think I am wanting to force them away so they don’t get hurt by my god damn emotions. Right now, I’ve got no-one to express myself to and it’s building up inside of me, tempting to tear me in two.

I can easily say that I’m not like most of the Jr. High School girls, in the sense that I do not have horrible and life-changing depression over boys and my best friends wanting to date the same guy that I do. I’ve only had that experience about two times and at thist point I’m far than over it. I have horrible depression over the facts in life that knock me flat on my ass and hold me there while beating me in the face and all I can do is stare back and wonder how I ever trusted that person or how I ever even knew them for there are some times that I don’t know these people at all; they want to love me and they do love me and I will not allow another person to love me for the sake of getting hurt and or hurting them. I guess that I can easily say that I have a life that’s so far fucked up there’s no fixing it or really changing it around unless I want to fuck it up further. 

Today, we had this wonderful thing in our Gym called Reality Town in which we were called down through our Advisory class and given a job and salary through a year and monthly payment. I gained the occupation of Biomedical Engineer and earned quite a bit of money. We had to go and purchase homes, health care, clothes, transportation, groceries, and other things that are neccessary for life. My first place to go was the “Bank” and I walked over to the first station and stood in line behind my friends. When my best friend found her spot next to me and we had finally gotten to talk to the people, I paused at my “Bank Accountant” and nearly swallowed my brain. He looked at my last name and said it over and over again then looked up to me and blinked before finally explaining to me what I needed to do. There was a small area in the middle of the Gym that they had called the “Park” and I pulled my friend over there and said to her “I know this may sound weird but I swear to go that I know him…” and she tilted her head to the bank and I nodded my own. She said that it didn’t sound weird and we went on doing our things and going to the other stations. When I was finally in some “debt” I went back to the bank and talked to him again. I had no idea what to think but I knew that I had seen him somewhere before and he kept looking at me too. 

I have had several times when I’ve met someone and I have thought that I knew them when really I have seen them from somewhere completely random and we’ve talked for a few moments. Call me odd but I knew there was just something about him.

 When I had to get a second job as a Banquet Server to pay for my naked children’s clothing and food, it was time for us to leave and go back to class for the second group to come in. I was headed over to the meeting area when I turned to look at him, like you would when trying to place someone in your mind, and he motioned for me to come over. I blinked and looked behind me but there was no-one around and then pointed to myself and he nodded and said “Mary, come here…” I thought it was odd that he would remember my name out of the two hundred papers that he had seen and so I slowly walked over there. He stood up and gave me a hug and said,”It’s me, Dave,” and I nearly fell over. We talked for the rest of the day, which was about five hours. 

The truth was that he and my dad had been really close when I was little and he was in the same Ward as my family at the time. It came down to the fact that he was like an Uncle to me, or even another father, and I loved him about as much as one. He told me that he had finally moved very near the school and was helping out with some things and I smiled at that fact. He said that he was in the Memorial Ward now and I wanted to cry. I had left that church about two years ago and haven’t gone back since. 

After I left, I wanted to talk some more; I wanted to know everything that had happened since we had last seen each other and I knew that the only way I would be able to see him again would be to go back to church and get to talk to him that way… it’s just something that I can’t do. Everyone would laugh at me and ask my why I had come back after leaving, and there would be no way that I could answer such questions truthfully. I don’t even know what to do about the thing except that I feel like my heart has been hammered so far into the ground that God wouldn’t be able to dig it out. I just wish that I could express my emotions the way that I’m having them go through me and the way that they are inflicting me so painfully. Sometimes I want people to know how bad my heart hurts, to the point that it makes me sick both mentally and physically.  

How Useless

I guess that I can only begin this with expressed happiness. Today, I lost my phone and was searching everywhere for it, in each and everyone of my class rooms and with all of the teachers and janitors. I came home, preparing myself to tell my dad that he would have to deactivate it and know I would be grounded for getting it lost. I sat down and munched on a snack when the phone rang and I picked it up and it was my seventh grade Science 2 teacher and she said that she was searching for the owner of the phone she was calling from. I literally whooped with happiness and said that it was mine and if she would hold it for me, I would be more than grateful. Initially that’s not the only thing I can be rather happy for, because I have an excuse not to be going home right from school (you’d only understand this if you knew how sucky it was coming home).

 The auditions for Once Upon a Matress are going to be happening from Wednesday to Friday! I’m hoping to get the part of Queen Agravain, so I’m very pleased for that. Initially I end up playing all of the evil roles in each and every one of my school productions so I hope this will end it on a high note for I love this musical very much. I’m not sure this had any meaning to it other than to express the fact that I had found my phone and I will not be disappearing from the planet. I guess, since I haven’t posted here in quite some time, that I could update all of you who read this on what’s been going on and why I haven’t been telling my tragic life tales. 

 My English class has been a load of crap ever since we got into the second week of it. It’s not that I don’t like the class but we’re swamped with homework every single night and I don’t understand how I get it all done when on top of that I have art work and Earth Systems, and Math work to do or I will fail. Failing means I don’t graduate and not graduating means I am a sad excuse for a human being (or at least to my dad, I am). My family has been a giant mess of shit ever since my dad gave my stepmom the right to punish us as needed. Of course, she cares little about how we feel or how well we’re doing in school and she simply thinks that the Earth revolves around her and her giant ego. Countless times we’ve been called worthless and pathetic, and I’ve been called some things that would not be appropriate for this… and I swear. I’ve been grounded almost every other night and have not been able to take the time to think about what I’m going to do with my year. That’s about it other than a few minor things. I’ll attempt to update this sooner.