High They Stand and Down They Fall
Well the musical auditions were extremely rigged in the sense that all of the kids from Advanced Drama were placed as leads. I know that they only had the auditions for the sake of getting a chorus in there. Right now, that’s not what is really bothering me. Every day I seem to get more and more hostile to those who I love, and they are not going to tolerate it very much longer. I know what I’m doing too which is the thing that’s really pissing me off. I think I am wanting to force them away so they don’t get hurt by my god damn emotions. Right now, I’ve got no-one to express myself to and it’s building up inside of me, tempting to tear me in two.
I can easily say that I’m not like most of the Jr. High School girls, in the sense that I do not have horrible and life-changing depression over boys and my best friends wanting to date the same guy that I do. I’ve only had that experience about two times and at thist point I’m far than over it. I have horrible depression over the facts in life that knock me flat on my ass and hold me there while beating me in the face and all I can do is stare back and wonder how I ever trusted that person or how I ever even knew them for there are some times that I don’t know these people at all; they want to love me and they do love me and I will not allow another person to love me for the sake of getting hurt and or hurting them. I guess that I can easily say that I have a life that’s so far fucked up there’s no fixing it or really changing it around unless I want to fuck it up further.
Today, we had this wonderful thing in our Gym called Reality Town in which we were called down through our Advisory class and given a job and salary through a year and monthly payment. I gained the occupation of Biomedical Engineer and earned quite a bit of money. We had to go and purchase homes, health care, clothes, transportation, groceries, and other things that are neccessary for life. My first place to go was the “Bank” and I walked over to the first station and stood in line behind my friends. When my best friend found her spot next to me and we had finally gotten to talk to the people, I paused at my “Bank Accountant” and nearly swallowed my brain. He looked at my last name and said it over and over again then looked up to me and blinked before finally explaining to me what I needed to do. There was a small area in the middle of the Gym that they had called the “Park” and I pulled my friend over there and said to her “I know this may sound weird but I swear to go that I know him…” and she tilted her head to the bank and I nodded my own. She said that it didn’t sound weird and we went on doing our things and going to the other stations. When I was finally in some “debt” I went back to the bank and talked to him again. I had no idea what to think but I knew that I had seen him somewhere before and he kept looking at me too.
I have had several times when I’ve met someone and I have thought that I knew them when really I have seen them from somewhere completely random and we’ve talked for a few moments. Call me odd but I knew there was just something about him.
When I had to get a second job as a Banquet Server to pay for my naked children’s clothing and food, it was time for us to leave and go back to class for the second group to come in. I was headed over to the meeting area when I turned to look at him, like you would when trying to place someone in your mind, and he motioned for me to come over. I blinked and looked behind me but there was no-one around and then pointed to myself and he nodded and said “Mary, come here…” I thought it was odd that he would remember my name out of the two hundred papers that he had seen and so I slowly walked over there. He stood up and gave me a hug and said,”It’s me, Dave,” and I nearly fell over. We talked for the rest of the day, which was about five hours.
The truth was that he and my dad had been really close when I was little and he was in the same Ward as my family at the time. It came down to the fact that he was like an Uncle to me, or even another father, and I loved him about as much as one. He told me that he had finally moved very near the school and was helping out with some things and I smiled at that fact. He said that he was in the Memorial Ward now and I wanted to cry. I had left that church about two years ago and haven’t gone back since.
After I left, I wanted to talk some more; I wanted to know everything that had happened since we had last seen each other and I knew that the only way I would be able to see him again would be to go back to church and get to talk to him that way… it’s just something that I can’t do. Everyone would laugh at me and ask my why I had come back after leaving, and there would be no way that I could answer such questions truthfully. I don’t even know what to do about the thing except that I feel like my heart has been hammered so far into the ground that God wouldn’t be able to dig it out. I just wish that I could express my emotions the way that I’m having them go through me and the way that they are inflicting me so painfully. Sometimes I want people to know how bad my heart hurts, to the point that it makes me sick both mentally and physically.
